As she takes very small steps towards the regular sized parcel sitting on the table, she gets a whiff of something very horrid. The smell is so bad she has to place her hand over her nose and mouth. She finally got to the box. She put her hands to the box and so as she lifted the lid the smell got worse, but the sight that struck her was even worse than the odor in the air. The head of her childhood teddy bear, saturated with blood, gagging she ran to the bathroom. She knows she has a stalker...
Hi Sophie,
ReplyDeleteThis is quite a scary prelude to an even more terrifying story that's sure to come! Well done!
Now that you have a good first draft, see if you can use more specific details that will draw the reader in even more. For example: Can you think of a more specific word than "regular" when describing the parcel? "Regular" means different things to different people, so being more specific would help the reader visualize the package's size. "Horrid" is also a more general adjective. Did it smell like rotting meat? Rotten eggs? Animal poop? These things all smell bad, but they're all very different scents. Close your eyes and imagine what it really smelled like.
When you're specific, your readers are transported to the scene you're describing. They won't have to guess the size or the smell (in this example). They'll be right there with you.
One more thing: You need to decide whether you want to tell the story in past or present tense. Present tense conveys a sense of urgency, of the reader being there right as the story unfolds. Past tense puts a little more distance between the reader and the story and is easier to use for long stories.
Keep writing and using your imagination!
Jilanne (Team 100)